Here’s one way to completely distinguish cats from dogs – cats do not like water at all. They don’ t like baths. And, they don’t like swims. They want to stay dry and cozy always, so they can continue sitting in some weird nook in your house, sleeping for 20 hours a day. Want to know what your cat is thinking when you DO give them a bath? It goes something like this…
1. Plotting revenge
See this look on my face? This is me plotting an unpleasant revenge. You won’t see it coming, but when it lands, you won’t know what hit you. And you’ll regret every “It’s okay, kitty” you said while drenching me in your ceramic tank of doom. It’s not okay, you sadistic biped! It’s not! Additionally, maybe I wanted to keep that dead raccoon essence on my fur. I rolled in it, didn’t I? I get no respect.
Really? Really? I’m standing here completely waterlogged and your first thought is to grab the camera? How about another towel? How about a handful of treats, because that’s what I deserve right now. I hope you have a release for me to sign because I’m not okay with this photo going viral. Unless it means I get to be famous, in which case I’d like two handfuls of treats.
3. Beware the ninja
Claws are out, mind is focused, and I’m just slippery enough for you to lose your grip. As soon as you see you’re about to get shredded, it will have already happened. That’s how we do things here in Sinktown.
4. You’re some kinda freak!
Hey, what are you lookin’ at? You think this is funny? Listen here, rubbernecker, this is no picnic, and you standin’ there with your fancy camera phone isn’t helping one bit. How about I take pics of you while you’re in the shower? Except you’d probably like that. You’re some kinda freak, aren’t you?
5. Spoiler alert
Do a web search for “undignified” and note the first image that appears. Spoiler alert: It will be this one. Mere minutes ago, I was enjoying myself in a spot of sun, and now this. Sure, there were several dingleberries stuck to parts of my fur, but so what? Search the web for “dingleberries” and see if this pic shows up anywhere near the top of the results. Spoiler alert: It won’t. That’s because dried poop is way more dignified than being held against one’s will in a few inches of water.
6. Three hands?
There’s no use fighting. They’re just going to keep bringing me back to the stainless steel waterfall. Why are there three hands in this photo? I’ve been submissive — no tiny teeth puncturing skin or anything. There’s no need for backup. Or maybe he has three hands and I’ve never noticed. How could I have not noticed? I’m always going after those hands. Hey, maybe an extra hand means more treats. I’ll take that. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I kind of like this waterfall. Shhh.
Halp! Halp! Doesn’t anyone hear me? My demise is nigh, I tell you! Nigh! Halp!
8. Nobody told me I’d slide
This time in the tub has given me pause for thought. First of all, why do I need a bath? I clean myself in a ridiculously thorough manner. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a spot. Well, maybe that one time I had a run in with that pile of dog vomit. Nobody told me I’d slide. Nobody! That was just this morning? Oh. Still though.
9. Ever seen Gremlins?
Do you see these eyes? It’s not a camera trick — water turns me into a demon, and you’re well on your way to seeing my fiendish powers. Have you ever seen Gremlins? No? Too late to stream it now, sucker. I’ve got a very special live performance for you in 3, 2, …
10. We clear?
Listen. You’re gonna supply me with a pile of fresh catnip and we’re going to pretend this whole ugly situation never happened. We clear?
Someone get these poor wet cats a towel and a hair dryer! Share with friends!