Local Cat Gets Stuck Inside Cola Box
Meet Fluffy McGee, of the Walnut Lane McGees. He entered a Cola box early Sunday afternoon, while in search of a “good time”. After inserting half his body inside the box, he realized he couldn’t get out or pull through. He was left without an escape. A witness to the incident states, “He eats a lot of chicken jerky, but he’s not overweight or anything.”
Cats nearby tried talking to the cat to keep him calm, and perhaps help him get out of his situation. But, he refused to listen, repeatedly saying, “I am an island.” His brother Steve arrived home after a few hours. He informed the officials that a recent incident involving a vinyl play tunnel and too much catnip had convinced Fluffy he could no longer do the “backing-up” thing. Steve proceeded to chew the other side of the box open, Fluffy slid through, unharmed. He requested to not discuss the incident.
Cat Refuses Shoes; Family Worried
Bella is known as a shoe-sniffer. Family members were confused on Tuesday when she refused to engage with a pair of strappy red heels. According to her cousin Wanda, She loves open-toed shoes. She states, “These were worn for several hours at a wedding reception. I could smell them from across the room. We have no idea what’s going on.” Bella declined to comment. Instead, she stared at an invisible object on the carpet.
“Spitty” Sanderson Still at Large
“Spitty” Sanderson, the leader of the underground group known as “Smell This!,” escaped from custody and is now at large. He was spotted at the speakeasy-style valerian-root den called Root 66, owned by the group; however, the witness chose to remain anonymous, saying, “My girlfriend can’t know I was hanging out at that place.” Any clues leading to the capture of “Spitty,” are appreciated.
Bird Flies Into Window, Inciting Riot Among ‘Outside Cats’
“I was just in the window, minding my own business, watching chickadees that’d gathered in the tree in front of my house,” said “Stinky Silverfish” (not his real name). “Suddenly, a giant THUD hit the window, and that’s when it all went down.” Sources say a group of “outside cats” saw the bird, who died upon impact, and began a “dibs” war over who would get it. The rioting, which included deep growling, swatting and hissing, lasted some 20 minutes, during which time a human woman entered the yard, wrapped the deceased bird in a towel, and walked back into her house.
Cat Will Attempt to Stay Awake for Four Straight Hours
On a dare from friends, Scotty, a local tuxedo, will attempt to stay awake and alert for four whole hours. “He’ll never make it,” said his best friend Cotton. “He can barely keep his eyes open in the litter box.” Scotty, never backing down from a dare, told reporters he’d been training for a few days, and as long as he didn’t see a fleece blanket or laundry basket, he expected to meet his goal and looked forward to bragging rights.
Cat Fight Over Catnip Cigar Sparks Dissension in Cat Community
Last Friday, Butterscotch and Porkchop were kicked out of a local catnip dispensary for brawling over the ownership of a catnip cigar. Porkchop said, “She already has a banana. I don’t know why she’s getting so worked up. They’re basically the same thing.” Butterscotch couldn’t disagree more, saying, “He’s full of $h*t. I walked in with that cigar, and I plan on walking out with it. The banana is not mine. Go ahead, test the spit — it’s his!” This disagreement launched major discord among area cats, who are now wearing “Team Butterscotch” or “Team Porkchop” shirts. One rioter said, “You know it’s bad if we’re wearing shirts. We hate wearing shirts.”
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